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I’m really having a hard time understanding what I did to deserve the giant pile of shit that has landed on me recently. Seriously. What the fuck. 

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Digging Out.

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I’ve realized recently that there are a lot of things I want to improve on with myself. I want to start spending more time focusing on myself, and what is going to be right for me. Maybe that means I will have to be a little selfish, but I think I need to be a little selfish for a while. Going along with that, I don’t want to get to a point where I am feeling sorry for myself. I think recently because of everything that has been going on, I have been a little guilty of that. Bad things happen to everyone, but it is how you deal with what you are given that really defines who you are. I don’t want to be remembered as the person that was selfish and had people pity her. I want to be known as the person that took challenges on with stride and was strong enough to deal with the hand she was dealt without complaint. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, but its how you dig yourself out that really matters. So that’s what I have to do. Dig myself out.

Word Vomit.

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I decided to add one more thing to my monthly list. That is, to write on here more. Even if I am just ranting, and nobody really reads it, it is becoming a form of therapy for me. Just being able to word vomit all over the internet has somehow become a release for me. Getting the random thoughts out of my head and into the real world almost allows me to move on from them. Not that I didn’t learn from it, but it can stop taking up my full attention.

That being said, I really want to hold myself accountable for making more posts on here. Perhaps I can begin by just making a goal of putting up at LEAST one post a week. So far many of my posts have been sporadic, but I think if I keep up with it, it can become a good therapy for me.

Word Vomit.

Sorry to rant, buuuutt…

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My life for the past two weeks in two words could be described as stress and frustration. To start of on a happier note however, I was offered a job that pays a lot more than I was making. I took the job, obviously, but it also meant that I had to leave behind all of the people I loved working with. It had grown into a little family for me which had become a safe haven from living in hell. My last day was on Monday, and it was a good day, but also really sad. My manager would just give me that sad puppy dog look and it took a lot for me to hold back my tears. I just had to keep reminding myself why I needed to move on. I loved my job, but the company just wasn’t a place I could grow. While I was still working my last two weeks, I had started training at my new job. Not to mention I am still in school as well. So. Two jobs and finals creeping up on me is a recipe for stress galore. I have also been coming home to a very tense situation. Thankfully, I will be moving out in two weeks, but the tension is rising, and I don’t know how much more I will be able to handle. Everything in my house lately has been passive aggressive, or just plain rude. I have gotten to the point where I have to lock up my things or I am afraid they will go missing. I don’t care who you are, even if you are my enemy, nobody deserves to come home and feel uncomfortable. Everyone deserves a place where they can feel safe.

Anyway. I hate for this to turn into a sob story, but holy fuck. I am stressed. I really hope for my own sanity that I don’t get pushed any farther. Thank god I only have a week left until classes are over!

rant over.

Letting Go

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Letting go isn’t always the easiest thing to do, especially when it involves someone that you really care about. Sometimes though, no matter how much you have tried to put yourself out there to make the relationship work, you just have to realize when you should walk away.

Most of you are probably thinking about a romantic relationship right now, but I am having to let go of a friendship; A friendship that was practically considered family. Letting go is something that is difficult no matter what the relationship, but when it is someone that you thought you could trust with anything, it hurts even more. The more and more I try, the more I realize that sometimes it just isn’t worth it in the end. It has made me realize that if someone doesn’t want me to be in their life anymore, then its not worth the effort to try to carry on the relationship. Realizing this is easier to state than it is to actually let them go. It makes me sad. It makes me really fucking sad that after all I’ve done, it is just going to fail in the end. It makes me wonder if there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed things, but I am starting to realize you can’t focus on the things you could have done differently. You have to focus on what you are doing now, and where you are going in the future. Holding onto these grudges and useless things will only bring you down, and eventually hold you back from living life.

I have learned things from this relationship, and even if I have to let it go, I am walking away with a better understanding of other people and myself. All I can do is learn as much as I can, not make the same mistakes in the future, not let grudges affect how I am living my life, and let it go.

Roommates…

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Living with other people is a fairly new experience for me, at least in my adult life. After moving from Chicago to Arizona, I moved in with a family friend and her family (actually my dad’s ex fiance’s family but that’s a story for another time). There were a lot of pluses and minuses to the whole experience. First of all, the first month was the most stressful and frustrating month of my life. Dealing with things from stubbornness to a dog with extreme separation anxiety is not a good mix.  Needless to say, we all made it through the first month a little worse for wear, but we were on the right track to all living peacefully together… or so I thought.

I think the most valuable thing I’ve learned through this whole experience is just how important communication is. I found that when there wasn’t proper communication, people start assuming things. When this happens, every thing starts to fall apart. For example, I don’t have a problem sharing my things, but when people feel like they can go though my things and take what they want without asking first is when I start to get frustrated. Expressing this frustration has been by far the hardest thing for me to do. They are people I care about so I want to be careful not to come off as mad when I am talking to them, but because of this, many times things go unsaid.

More than anything, this experience has turned into a learning opportunity.

1. I’ve learned not to take people for granted, and to appreciate the little things they do for you.

2.I learned that without communication, no relationships can survive.

3. Communication is the most important thing!

4. I’ve learned I often take things too personally, and that I need to let go of the little things that don’t really matter.

5. I learned to look at the bigger picture, even if that means realizing I am in a bad situation and have to make larger life changes.

6. I discovered that I make up things in my head that I believe to be true about how another person is thinking. Sometimes I am right, and many times I am not.

7. Make no assumptions.

In the end, sometimes things just don’t work, and I learned that me living in this situation just isn’t working for many different reasons. For the most part, I am glad that I have been able to go through this experience. I am very sad that it didn’t end up working out the way I had imagined it, but then again, when does anything really work out that way? Everything is happening for a reason, and maybe this is the perfect opportunity for me to move on to a new and better chapter of my life.

My First Painting

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When I was younger, and everyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said I wanted to be an artist. The only experiences I really had throughout my life with art has always been focused around the required art classes we had to take in school. Don’t get me wrong though, I absolutely loved it and I felt like anything that involved using my creativity always came naturally to me.

I have always been interested in anything involving art, so it is quite surprising to me that I have only just gotten into painting in the past few weeks. Painting is something I always had an interest in doing, but it was always one of those things that got pushed to the side. I am excited to say that I have just recently finished my first painting. Even though I still have a lot to learn, I am very proud of my first painting.

Finishing a painting is also one of the things on my bucket list challenge! I am excited to cross it off the list and to be able to share it. I also thought I would also count as trying a new hobby, which is also on my list. Two down, and a lot to go. 🙂